If there is a dating-related interaction more nerve-wracking than a first date, it’s the vaunted moment at which you finally “meet the parents.” No measure of alcohol or pranayama (translation: yoga breathing) can diminish the anxiety associated with what could (retrospectively) prove to be the most important first impression of your life.

I can’t tell you the perfect formula for stealing the hearts of moms and dads everywhere. But what I can tell you — girls, at least (I lack expertise regarding the inverse) — are some things you should not say, under any circumstances, when you meet your boyfriend’s parents for the first time. They are as follows:

  1. “Can I call you Mom and Dad?!”
  2. “OMG.” “LOL.” “WTF.” [ETC.]
  3. “I am, like, sooo hungover.”
  4. “We’re gonna be staying for a while.”
  5. “Is this a picture of you two? You guys used to be really attractive!”
  6. “Can I get a glass of water? Totally forgot to take my birth control this morning.”
  7. “Plastic on the furniture, really? Eww.”
  8. “Sex. Let’s talk about it.”
  9. “Um where’s the TV? We’re missing the new Kardashians.”
  10. “I’m actually sort of between jobs right now … But it’s alright because (your son/daughter) totally takes care of everything.”
  11. “The slow metabolism makes so much more sense now …”
  12. “Shots?”
  13. “So, where are we sleeping?”
  14. “My mom’s meatloaf really puts this to shame. Want the recipe?”
  15. “How thin are your walls?”
  16. “It’s Nicole, but you can call me Snooki.”
  17. “Well this is awkward.”
  18. “I get so constipated on long car rides.”
  19. “I like the way you’ve decorated. It’s supposed to be ironic, right?”
  20. “I’ve heard so much about you. Not all good, admittedly.”
  21. “Oh, no thank you. I don’t eat carbs.”
  22. “You’re conservatives/liberals? That explains so much.”
  23. “Guess who’s pregnant?!”
  24. “My therapist told me you’d say that.”
  25. “Last time I did this it did not end well.”
  26. “If only you knew what (your son) says about you when you’re not around.”
  27. “He warned me that you’d be the difficult one.”
  28. “My husband would love you guys.”
  29. “Can we borrow some money?”
  30.  “And you must be (your son’s) father … What’s that? His mother? Could’ve fooled me.”
  31. “Mint? I insist.”
  32. “Ugh. I think I have a UTI.”
  33. “(Your son/daughter) tells me things aren’t exactly idyllic between you two these days.”
  34. “Ugh where’s your bathroom? I knew we shouldn’t have gone to Chipotle …”
  35. “Oh, no, not a ballet dancer. LOL. Is that what he told you?”
  36. “You know how guys check out their girlfriends’ moms for a ‘glimpse of the future?’ I hope that doesn’t hold true the other way around.”
  37. “It was great meeting you, but I have to go now. I told the babysitter I’d be back an hour ago.”
  38. “This is so much better than the food they served in prison.”
  39. “Don’t believe the bracelet. I’m not that crazy.”
  40. “This one time, at band camp …”
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