My boyfriend is a shoe freak. He owns probably 200 pairs. (I’d show you a picture, but we’re in the process of moving, so everything’s packed up.) I’ll often come home from work and notice that he has a sly smile on his face and I’ll say, “you bought a pair of sneakers, didn’t you!?” And that’s when I’ll see the box(es).

He sometimes buys two pairs of the same model so that he can save one in its original, pristine condition. He signs up to buy shoes days in advance or waits by his computer to Twitter RSVP for pairs he is eyeing. He injured his back waiting in line for the Quest Love shoes that came out last year, and bought three pairs. He has never worn them.

In light of the recent study that found that we can learn 90% of someone’s personality by their shoes, I interviewed him about what he thinks different men’s shoes say about a guy. It was a frustrating exercise. For him. He kept on yelling at me. “Nike SD What?” I’d say. Him: “NIKE SB DUNKS! JEEZ!” I continued interviewing him about Sperrys and Air Jordans but made him promise not  to yell at me anymore. I’ve been dating him for a few years and I still don’t know very much about sneakers, but I’m learning a little bit every day.

Note: As I write this he is sitting on the couch with me, on his computer, on n-sb.org, talking to himself.

Justin: F*CK, they don’t have my size. I NEED these. I’m not buying the 11s. Although I have thought about it… Doo-ba-doo-ba-doo. Doo-ba-doo-ba-doo-ba-doo.

Me: Justin, what is that website you just mentioned? Nsb.org? That is a baptist church website, I just looked.

Justin: NOOOO N-SB.org.

Me: Stop yelling at me! You are such a dick!

Justin: Holy shit these jumped to $300? I have two pairs of these. Guess how much they sell these for now?”

I love this game.

1

Casual Sneakers

Like: Converse, Vans Authentic (left)
This guy: Is hassle free and simple. Converse go with everything, so it means he doesn’t want to think too hard about what he’s wearing and he doesn’t want anything hyper-branded. He likes low-key things and gets along with lots of kinds of people.
If he wears these on a date: He’s in a chill mood, but his energy level is pretty high. He’s ready to be active.

2

Basketball Sneakers

Like: Lebron (right), Kobe, Jordans
This guy: Wants to be noticed — social status is important to him. He cares about fashion and can pull it off. He has style. He might not have confidence, but these shoes give him more confidence. He’s trying to be accepted and cool.
If he wears these on a date: He’s ready to party, but — “I probably won’t get too drunk because I don’t want to f*ck up my shoes,” Justin said. “When I wear these I’m happy and I want people to know I’m happy.”

3

Luxury Sneakers

Like: Lanvin, Louis Vuitton, Kanye (left)
This guy: Is ridiculous. He doesn’t know what to do with his money. He is extremely brand and fashion conscience. Probably really cocky.
If he wears these on a date: Um, he might be gay. Or maybe he’s just networking. He wants to mingle and act like a celebrity. He’s not thinking about you.

4

Running Sneakers

Like: New Balance 993s (right), Nike Free Run, Asics Gel
This guy: Is active and low maintenance. He doesn’t care about fashion — he is more concerned with comfort and efficiency over style.
If he wears these on a date: He’s got gogogo high energy. Not on drugs, but he might act like it. Hope you’re ready for an energetic date. He won’t be able to sit still even when he’s sitting still. (Don’t worry if he fidgets; he will fidget.)

5

Skate Shoes

Like: Vans, Eras, Nike SB Dunks, DVS
This guy: Doesn’t give a f*ck and just wants to be comfortable. He cares about fashion but he’s not a snob. It doesn’t mean he’s a skater — and since skaters don’t give a f*ck about anything, they don’t get mad if non-skaters wear their shoes.
If he wears these on a date: He’s balancing between party mode and chill mode. He’s high energy, but wants things low-key.

6

Boat Shoes

Like: Sebago, Sperry (right)
This guy: Is so lazy he doesn’t even want to wear socks or have to tie anything. He is either a really preppy East Coaster or someone who wants to look presentable but is grossed out by dress shoes.
If he wears these on a date: He wants to be comfortable and relaxed. He’s not trying to impress anyone, but he knows he looks good. His whole goal is to look really good without having to put in effort or think about it.

7

Dress Shoes

Like: Cole Hahn, Ferragamos
This guy: Is old and crusty. He’s probably financially stable, secure, and mature. He wants to be taken really seriously. Might be overcompensating for something (cough, cough).
If he wears these on a date: He’s not relaxed. He’s anxious and tense. In fact, he is probably so tense that he’s nervous about having sex to the point that he won’t be able to have sex. Get him to take these off!

8

Sandals

Like: Reefs (right), Rainbows, Tevas, Birkenstocks
This guy: Is so checked out. He’s not in a rush. For anything. He wants to be free. He wants the whole world to be his living room. He doesn’t take himself seriously, and doesn’t care if anyone else takes him seriously, either. He doesn’t think he has to work hard to get laid.
If he wears these on your date: He might be late, and he’s not taking you anywhere too fancy. He might have just rolled ten joints and probably wants to take you to the beach. Hope you like tacos because there is a high chance he is unemployed. Or maybe on vacation. (Still, tacos.)

9

Boots

Like: Timberlands, Combat Boots, Diemme
This guy: Is hyper masculine and wants power.
If he wears these on a date: He wants you to know he’s in charge.

If you’re obsessed with shoes, Justin notes, disregard everything beccause you probably have all of these and run the whole gamut.

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