Bibi and Poldi, two Giant Turtles from the Austrian Zoo, have spent the last 115 years together. But, inexplicably, after nearly a century and two decades of happy companionship, the two have decided to part ways. According to a zookeeper, ”We get the feeling they can’t stand the sight of each other anymore.”

Just like that.

After 115 years.

Two turtles, aka “rocks with legs,” suddenly decided that a life together was intolerable, that given the choice between silently chewing grass next to each other and silently chewing grass apart from each other, apart was better. 

And it’s not like their dating community is that swinging, you know. It’s not like they are leaving each other in the hopes of finding a younger, sexier Giant Turtle. There is no one else. They simply rejected each other.

After 115 years.

As a human with already an already pessimistic view of everlasting love, it’s hard not to freak out about this. I mean, if Bibi and Poldi can’t make it work, what hope is there for me?

The zoo keepers say they are going to keep pushing for a reconciliation. (How do you convince two turtles to get back together?) But as devastated as I am over the separation of these two bastions of commitment, I’m not sure I want them to get back together at this point.

Because, God, once you realize you’re over somebody, you’re over somebody, you know? Even if you are a 115 year-old turtle. And being alone truly is better than being in the wrong relationship.

So maybe Bibi and Poldi work on their issues and rekindle their relationship, but if they don’t? Well, they sure gave it one hell of a shot.

[Shelling Out for a Divorce]

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