HowAboutWe – Date Report

Editor’s note: In case you missed them, catch up on Nikki’s previous Dating Diaries posts here.  

I don’t think my calling is writing, or blogging, or showing up at an office: I’m pretty sure my vocation is making break-up song mix CDs. As in, a full-on Etsy shop called the Safehouse for Broken Hearts where each CD comes with a handmade collage with the track listing written on the back.

Related: Get Over Your Breakup In 47 Minutes With Our Breakup Playlist

I woke up the other morning and I felt lonely. All I wanted to do was call my ex-boyfriend and just talk to him. But at this point, I owe him his solitude and privacy as much as he owes me mine, and what would talking lead to? Being “friends”? The point is, I toughened up, at least for a little while. All the things that I’m feeling right now are not things he needs to hear or things I need to share with him. I can share them with my friends.

Or, you know, with no one at all. I can lie on my bed late at night listening to breakup songs and ugly cry. During the day and most nights, I’m busy and feeling fine. But sometimes, I like to give in to my feelings and be a little self-indulgent. I can sob to Jewel and I don’t have to answer to anyone about that, okay?

I haven’t been on any dates in the past few weeks. I have absolutely no desire. This is my romantic life for the time being. So I hope you don’t mind if I share a few of my favorite heartbreak songs and maybe you will share yours so I can cry to those too.

Related: 5 Things I Learned About Sex From Rap Music

Feist, “The Park”

I don’t know that such a generic sentiment as, “Why would you think your boy could become, the man who could make you sure he was the one?” has ever seemed so specifically true to my life. Also, the song’s dirge-like quality is a total tearjerker.

This song just really captures the loneliness of a breakup. It seems a little extreme to say, “Who’s gonna want me when I’m just somewhere you’ve been? Who’s gonna want me now?” but when you’ve really given yourself to someone, you do feel a bit like a vacated space afterwards. And then I cry.

Try being heartbroken and not getting sick pleasure singing, “Sadness is my boyfriend.” I dare you.

After my ex-boyfriend and I first broke up many months ago, I was haunted by black Hyundai Elantras. Seriously, every time I saw one, or a car that looked like one (so many lookalike Toyotas in this city!) I would freak out and wonder if it was him driving. It was a miracle I didn’t get into any car accidents.

Call me cheesy, I don’t care. She is really feeling that pain in this song, which I appreciate. Bonus: this music video is completely insane.

Related: 10 Secret Perks Of Going Through A Breakup

This, to me, is one of the saddest love songs ever, because sometimes you don’t break up with someone because he cheated on you or because he was bad to you in any way. It’s just the slow fade of love — “its mist might choke you” — and that’s what is really scary.