Sex Diaries: Break Up With Your Boyfriend (If You’re In This Situation)by Virginia Plain on June 26, 2012
Editor’s note: Virginia Plain is the pseudonym of a twenty-something woman living in New York grappling with a less than ideal sex life. Read her previous posts here, and check back next week for more.
Well, it finally happened. That’s part of the reason I haven’t written in almost two weeks, I’ve been, you know, dealing with a breakup.
The crazy thing is: I feel shockingly fine for the most part. That isn’t to say there haven’t been tears or long, drawn out discussions with friends about what Real Estate did or didn’t do or how he was this way or that. But compared to my utterly brutal last breakup, this feels nothing short of miraculous.
After that fateful discussion in which Real Estate revealed his alarming social anxiety and my subsequent morning sex rebuff, I started planning how and when I was going to do it. Luckily, I had already made plans with friends two days in a row so I had some time to plot and consider my words. It’s terrible to say, but I sort of felt like a murderer, plotting away, thinking about the most efficient way to break someone’s heart.
When I went over to his place a few days later, we walked into his room and I said we needed to talk, which I sort of hated because it’s such a generic way to start a serious conversation, but how else are you going to do it? We sat on the edge of his bed and for the next thirty minutes we talked. Actually, we probably talked for about fifteen minutes and then he sat in stunned silence for another fifteen while I tried to discreetly look at the clock estimating when it would no longer be rude for me to leave.
In between his tears, he pleaded that he would finally go to the doctor, that he really did love me (oh yeah, did I mention that? He’d never said he loved me until our last sex talk when I basically badgered him into it), and that I was the best thing in his life. Instead of feeling moved, I just kept reiterating that those things weren’t enough, I didn’t have anything else to invest in this relationship, etc. It was strange to feel so completely calm and collected, while he was crying. The roles had been reversed.
After everything had been said and re-said a few times over, he gave me one of his hankies and I leaned in to hug him. He didn’t even move. Granted, I’d just broken up with him, but still, in my heart I feel like if you really want someone around, you’ll fight for them, whatever it takes. You don’t stand there like a robot and watch them walk out the door. Which is what he did.
On the way home, as I was listening to one of my absolute favorite songs ever (David Bowie’s “Young Americans”), I felt such a sense of pride and joy and relief. I had done it. I didn’t back down, and for the first time, maybe really ever, I was hopeful about the future instead of terrified or worse still, complacent.
To anyone that has ever been in a similar situation, I am begging you to leave now. Do not wait another day. Your life is worth so much more than sticking by someone’s side out of some self-imposed obligation. And it isn’t just about sex, although that’s a big part of it. You owe it to yourself to put your happiness first, because no one else ever will.
When I met Real Estate I was still in college but thanks to my Southern Catholic upbringing, I felt obligated to find a serious boyfriend, settle down, and hopefully get married shortly thereafter. I never once stopped to question this or to really think about what it meant. Now I see clearly that that isn’t what I want at all. Frankly, I can’t imagine getting married anytime soon much less getting into another relationship.
No, right now, I am very very very excited and thrilled to be in a committed relationship with myself. For the first time in my adult life, I’m actually ready to be single and not rely on some dude to form a sense of worth or value. I’ve decided that this year is all about having fun and going on adventures, taking risks, doing things that scare me a little. I’ve even decided to take up writing about music, a true passion of mine that I never had the opportunity to fully explore (ten points to the musical reader that knows where my nom de plume came from.) I am so ready to meet new people and make new friends and really live. On my own terms. Whatever I decide they are.
And maybe I’ll meet some great guy who sweeps me off my feet. And maybe I won’t. Mostly, I’m really just looking forward to getting laid properly because it’s been a long long time since that happened. Lord, help the man who comes my way first. He’s in big trouble.