10 Ways To Spruce Up Your “Outfit” On National Go-Topless Day

August 26^th is National Go-Topless Day, which seems like an awfully irresponsible holiday in a country as Puritanical as ours. Not to mention that shirts, as bothersome as they often are, are a crucial building block of fashion. If you’re going to go without one, you’ll need some other ways to make sure your topless outfit is a winner. Here are some ideas to get you started.

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LED lights.

They’re bright, colorful, and don’t radiate much heat, so you can wear them as bracelets, necklaces, armbands, and even belts. Or, if you’re feeling crafty, you can make some LED arrows to point up at your face, just in case you find yourself talking to someone’s forehead.

Bandoliers.

They cover areas that would get you arrested for indecent exposure, and they look totally awesome (and manly, in case you’re a dude). Plus you could take all the ammunition out and fill the pockets with candy or something, I don’t know.

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Braces, and not the orthodontic kind.

Save those for Dental Health Month in February. I’m talking about the thin suspenders made infamous by British punks in the late 1970s/early 1980s. Pair them with some tight jeans and Doc Martens and you’ll be the prettiest skinbyrd in the nest. And if people give you any weird looks, just remind them that boots and braces don’t make you a racist.

Body paint.

Not the most inventive entry in this list, but it does look cool, and what better way to invite someone you like/love to put their hands all over you?

Scratch ‘n sniff stickers.

They’re inappropriate in a clever way, and they’ll keep you on the right side of the law if you place them correctly. Peeling them off might hurt, though.

A scarf.

It’ll add some color to your wardrobe, plus you can throw it over your shoulder indignantly if anyone gives you lip about your toplessness.

A top hat and monocle.

After all, just because you’re spending the entire day with no shirt on doesn’t mean you lack sophistication; you just need some additional props to communicate just how classy you are.

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A boombox.

One of those bad boys over your shoulder will keep people from staring at any other bad boys you might be showing off. You could even make a mix of songs relevant to the holiday. I recommend starting with “Put ‘Em On the Glass.”