Joel Watson was minding his own business at Starbucks when he witnessed a couple on their date. The male half of the couple clearly doesn’t read The Date Report because he managed to commit 15 huuuuuuge first date don’ts. Thank goodness Joel live-tweeted the entire thing. Before you read the tweets below (they’re amazing), let us all learn from the man’s mega-ly shameful and humiliating mistakes. Here are 15 things he did that you should never do on a first date:

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1. Talking SUPER LOUD
2. WAY OVER sharing
3. Discussing parents’ divorce
4. Mentioning that you walked out of 5 of your 8 (!!) engagements
5. “There’s more than one kind of dementia.”

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6. More divorce, plus abandonment: “My father’s parents got divorced when he was two. She put in him a boarding home and rarely visited him.”
7. Actual topic of conversation: murder and juveniles
8. Talking about the best time to get married
9. Talking about how premarital sex statistically ruins marriages
10. Religion pushing
11. PAMPLET PUSHING for your religion
12. Bringing up your psychiatrist
13. Admitting you have Aspergers

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14. Bringing up the obvious: “You said you don’t see this as a date.”
15. Expressing frustration with ex-girlfriend’s fertility problems.

Committed all of those to memory? Good. Here are the tweets, for your enjoyment:

 

[Shmitten Kitten]

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