If Dating Were Like Watching the Super Bowlby Greg Volk on January 29, 2013
You might be forced to wear the exact same shirt on every date.
Who wants to break up a winning streak? Some say it’s superstitious, boring and gross, but you can’t argue with results! Each time you’ve worn your No. 52 jersey, you’ve had a great night. Why change clothes now?
You’d find yourself using the first person plural after every date.
“Big win for us tonight. Things really went our way!” “Awesome. Can we see us again sometime?” “We’ll call us.”
The good times would fly by and the bad would drag on forever.
Let’s face it, dates are not all winners. Just can’t give up too early. You’ll know which way it’s going by halftime. Maybe there’ll be a wardrobe malfunction–at least you have a good story to tell.
You’d find yourself only in it for the commercials.
Yeah, it’s really nice that you’re at the stage where you can watch their favorite movie Adam Sandler movie on TBS, but you’ll be damned if you’re going to skip over those dancing hamsters.
There’d be almost no kissing but tons of light groping.
“Thanks for the beer!” [Jovial butt slap.] “No problem!” [Jovial butt slap.] “Want to make out?” “Whoa, there. Timeout!”
During a winning streak, you could only conduct dates from that lucky spot on the couch.
Movie nights, board games, beginners yoga: no worries. But dinners out? Not to mention weekend getaways? That’s going to be a problem. Better rent that couch-sized cargo van.
There’d Always be a 30% Chance Kim Kardashian Will Show Up And Ruin Things.
Remember when she was dating Reggie Bush? All those cutaway shots were super distracting? Sure, we’re one pro athlete past that, and she’s currently pretty spoken for, but lock your doors and take no chances, for the cursed siren woman lurks.
It’d be okay to hug a stranger—just for a little bit.
A completed 56-yard touchdown pass (or unexpected first kiss?) warrants some celebration with whomever happens to be in the vicinity–large burly men included.