“I Feel I Should Have A Fulfilling Sex Life And I’m At A Loss.”

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I’m 25 years old and having trouble achieving an orgasm with my boyfriend. I haven’t been able to with anyone but my trusty toy. My boyfriend and I have tried just about everything and a myriad of positions. Could the problem be with the guys and not me? Would Viagra help? I feel I should have a fulfilling sex life and I’m at a loss. What should I do?

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For some people the formula for achieving a fulfilling orgasm with a non-mechanical device includes more than just an adjustment of speed and positions. An emotional bond, closeness, comfort and romance are of paramount importance, while a Viagra-fueled erection is not unless he’s having difficulty getting and maintaining an erection. Sex is more than just a methodical process and much of what stands between a toy-induced orgasm and one with your boyfriend occurs in your head. Sometimes when the focus is solely on the genitals or technique, tension and anxiety over performance can mount and kill all chances of having an orgasm.

Rather than seeing this as a problem, see it as an opportunity to expand your sexual horizons and learn what works for you.

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You’ve already proven to yourself that an orgasm is biologically possible, so be assured that you are functioning just fine physically. Realize that there is more to sex than just penetration and then attempt to stimulate each other in ways that perhaps you’ve yet to try. Appreciate the entire body as potentially arousing and arousable. Lower inhibitions by exploring each other and communicating your respective needs and desires. Rather than seeing this as a problem, see it as an opportunity to expand your sexual horizons and learn what works for you. Sometimes people have a hard time letting loose with their partners and feel it might be a selfish act to have an orgasm. Let go of any such beliefs and give yourself permission to enjoy yourself, orgasm too, and get your needs met.

Jonathan Alpert is a Manhattan psychotherapist and author. He appears on national TV commenting on sex and relationship issues as well as lifestyle, mental health, and hot-button issues. Get more of Jonathan’s great advice in his new book, Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days.