13 Humorous Alternatives To “It’s Not You, It’s Me”by Emily Winter on July 03, 2012
The thing about “It’s not you, it’s me,” is that it’s actually an extremely effective breakup line. Cuz like, who can argue with it?! But you can’t just come out and say the biggest breakup cliche in the book. You’ve got to do it all SECRET-LIKE. Be a real STEALTHY DUMPER. Leave your dumpee bruised, but not broken, like THE SLY FOX OF A NEWLY-MINTED SINGLETON THAT YOU ARE.
Just say one of these lines:
1. I think I need someone a little worse than you.
2. It’s not you, it’s my shrink’s orders.
3. You’re totally the Katie and I’m the Tom in this situation, okay?
4. I may look cute and normal, but I’m an emotional porcupine, curled in the fetal position, choking back tears.
5. Honestly, I fart too much in bed to be in a relationship.
6. It’s not you, it’s your healthy lifestyle. I just don’t deserve it.
7. Other people can love you so much harder than I can.
8. You’re ready for love, and I’m ready for a burrito. Mismatch times a million.
9. It’s not you, it’s our differing worldviews. For example, I have this unwavering conviction that the entire universe is going to collapse on me sometime very soon, turning my own bed into a black hole that will destroy me, molecule by molecule, for infinity, and you, like, don’t.
10. I think we should break up before I get a really bad haircut and buy mom jeans. Which is all happening this afternoon. Blame fashion.
11. I have to clear my calendar. I have an imminent sense of doom.
12. You’re great, and I’m just “meh.”
13. I thought I was ready for a relationship, but it turns out that the only thing I can commit to has white padded walls. Sorrrrrry!