My girlfriend’s parents aren’t down with the lesbian thing. They’re waiting impatiently for her to bring home a nice Christian boy but they keep getting my girly mug at the dinner table. Here’s a few tips on how to hide your lesbian relationship from the parents, if that’s what she so wishes to do. Because some things, like coming out, often take time.

1

Keep it friendly

Get rid of those pesky habits like grabbing her butt or calling her Snookums. But if you get caught calling your Honey-badger a term of endearment, be prepared to cover your ass and call her mom Sugarbun when she passes the dip.

2

Watch the personal space

Normal friends don’t spoon every night. So contain your urge to sit in your lovers lap to decrease the number of eye raises across the table.

Plus: 10 Things To Never Ask A Bisexual Woman (That People Have Actually Asked Me)

3

Make up a secret identity

Be careful when they ask if you have a boyfriend, “No, but I’m feeling-up this hot piece of ass that came from your loins” wont fly very well. Make something up or make eye contact with your gal and say, “Well, I did meet this special someone and I think they may be the one but I’m too shy to tell them.”

4

Use the opportunity

Get to know mom and dad without the unsavory knowledge that you’re banging their daughter. Hey, they may even like you! (Before they hear the news and sick their Pomeranian after you).

Plus: 7 Perks To Lesbian Dating

5

Prepare for ex-girlfriend reference

“Where’s that nice girl you used to bring by all the time?” says her mom, “I miss her — she loved my cooking!” Proceed to eat mouthfuls of curry chutney and sigh in delight.

6

Get off on it

There’s something sexy about sneaking around. You’re like an undercover lesbian spy! Sneak a kiss and rev up for the bedroom.

Plus: Women And Men Are Equal Because We All Watch Porn

7

Dodge the couch gracefully

Okay, so mom set up the sofa with a clean sheet and a duvet cover, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be sleeping with your baby in the comfort of her locked room. Decline gracefully, make up a bad back or be honest and say “I just love sleepovers!”

8

Admire the power of denial

Even if you do the dirty too loud, mom and dad will think you’re hammering friendship bracelets and yodeling into the night.

Plus: 10 Reasons Gay Dating Is Awesome

9

They know, run!

They’re on to your sordid game! Run before they lock your girlfriend up in a phallic tower, where you’ll have to Rapunzel your way up to see her.

10

Stay open minded

Then again, you make dad laugh at stupid jokes and mom is bent on fattening you up. Maybe you’re a part of the family already. And if they find out, remind them how happy you make their daughter — which is the whole point. Then kindly ask them to remove the attacking Pomeranian from your jugular.

Juggler’s Daughter is a late 20′s lesbian, west-coast hippie with a dual hero and victim complex. Read more of her work at jugglersdaughter.com.

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