Do I Need to Tell My Boyfriend I Cheated On Him If It Was With Another Woman?by Jonathan Alpert on March 22, 2012
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 months and we have a good relationship. The other night though I was at a party without him and got really drunk and flirted with another woman. One thing led to the next and we had sex. I haven’t told my boyfriend about it and I haven’t talked to the woman again. I know guys think it’s hot to see two women together but I just don’t know if I should tell him what happened. I feel really guilty and confused. Please help.
For a moment, imagine your boyfriend is out at a party one night. He’s drinking, getting drunk, starts cruising and flirting with another guy, and then one thing leads to the next and he has sex with the guy. Are you okay with that? Do you consider that cheating? My guess is you’re not okay with it and it violates a trust you’ve established over the past 10 months. After that many months of dating, there’s most likely an understanding, whether spoken or not, of exclusivity. That said, if you’ve participated such an activity and aren’t comfortable disclosing it to your man, then it’s cheating.
Whether he finds this “hot” or not eludes me. Sure, guys will say they want that, but not usually with someone they’ve been dating for 10 months. If he were to learn of this experience it might leave him as confused about your sexual preference as you feel.
Think about the impact telling will have on him. Although honesty is usually the best policy, if this truly is limited to a one time experience, then why upset him? Consider dropping the matter and moving on. If he ever asks though if you’ve cheated, you’ll have to disclose this because keeping a secret will force you to barricade a part of yourself to protect the secret information and will interfere with intimacy.
Finally, if this type of thing only occurred because of the alcohol, then lay off the booze or consider that subconsciously you’ve got some same-sex tendencies that come out when your inhibitions are greatly reduced while under the influence. If that’s the case it might speak to a larger issue and you are indeed confused about your sexuality. Do yourself and him a favor and end the relationship. Don’t maintain one relationship for stability while exploring another.
Jonathan Alpert is a Manhattan psychotherapist and author. He appears on national TV commenting on sex and relationship issues as well as lifestyle, mental health, and hot-button issues. Get more of Jonathan’s great advice in his new book, Be Fearless: Change Your Life in 28 Days, on sale April 24th wherever books are sold. Follow Jonathan on Twitter at @JonathanAlpert