Why You Should Try Dating Below (And Above) Your Standardsby Serria Says on November 16, 2012
Editor’s note: You might remember Serria Tawan from her stint as Playboy’s Miss November 2002. Now the former playmate is in her 30s, recently married, and ready to dish out some love advice. She says, “I want you to win and I’m going to give it to you straight.” Read more from her at serriasays.com, and check back here each Friday for her latest Dating Advice from a Playboy Bunny post.
One discovery I made early on with the internet singles pool — which I’m sure you’ve also picked up on by now — is that most people want to date up. I hear it all the time: “The guys who like me aren’t my type, and the ones I like never respond.” This phenomenon is not specific to gender.
What does this mean? The simple assessment is that you are reaching too high and being ignored. I personally think we should all aim high, but do it within reason. To pretend that everyone is in your league is delusional, and even if they are in your league, you still might not be their type; rejection comes with dating. I don’t care who you are or what you have, somewhere out there some girl or guy is going to pass on you. It just is.
The internet seems to blur this line because the embarrassment of rejection is removed. For example, if a guy goes up to the hottest girl in the bar, I guarantee every single guy is watching to see what happens — and when she shoots him down, they all feel the burn. The fear of this rejection actually prevents some men from even trying. On the internet, however, there is no audience to witness you walking back to your table with your head down, or see your friends (or worse, her friends) laughing at you.
Instead, we sit in our living rooms, flipping through faces until we see the beautiful photo of an amazing creature who likes the same things we like and would make a perfect shish to our kabob. If they just gave us a shot, everything would be perfect! Fingers crossed!
What I’d like you to try is to think of the internet as a bar: use that exact same gauge that you would in a bar to select women/men, and just like in a bar, if you are rejected, politely and quickly move on. Since internet dates are — let’s be honest — largely set by photos, you should have a standard deviation of a few notches above and below your type.
Why should you try above and below? First, because most people aren’t supermodels and don’t know how to take good photos. (Speaking of models, would you rather date someone who looked great in photos but bad in person, or the other way around? Most traditional models look better in photos than they do in real life.) Secondly, the photos on a website don’t capture the true person. A photo doesn’t show how his eyes sparkle when he smiles, or how her hair smells like strawberries — nor how he likes to grab the door for you, or blushes if you give him a compliment. (Find that on their profile, I dare you!) But these are the things that you get to see when you go out with someone who takes weird pictures from stupid angles that make them look nothing like they do in person.
The same is true for falling in love with a photo of an attractive person. When they arrive in the flesh they might look tired and worn, or have put on weight and it doesn’t look good. (By the way, guys, don’t lie about your height — and ladies, don’t be so shallow that height can make or break a date. Prince Charming is reportedly shorter than Snow White — at least, that’s what my sources at Disney tell me — and she likes him just fine.)
Three final guidelines:
- Be open to everyone — especially the people that like you!
- Strict standards should apply for sexual monogamous relationships, but until, then dating is about having a good time. Don’t make it more than what it is by kidding yourself into thinking that every person you date wants to be in a relationship with you.
- Relax! Your partner will make themselves known but in the meantime have a buttload of fun, be safe, and remember the internet makes all private things public, so don’t do anything you can’t justify.
The Bunny Tail (The bottom line, what you should do next):
Pick a date each week with someone who has chosen you. Be open, kind and go in with the intentions of creating an amazing night. Try short, too tall, a little older, a tad younger, someone without a photo, someone with a weird photo…try it all. Make sure to put your best foot forward, and no matter what, don’t stand your date up!