So You’re Dating a Tolkien Fanatic: 10 Things You Need to Knowby Opal Adkins on October 19, 2012
I hate to tell you this, but I must. On December 14, one Peter Jackson will unleash a force that cannot be withstood. A cinematic depiction years in the making. A story so compelling it could very well destroy your romantic relationship. I’m talking about the release of The Hobbit – and what it means to date a J.R.R. Tolkien fanatic.
You see, dear reader, dating a Tolkien fanatic is unlike any relationship you’ve ever had before. They will seem adorable at first glance: smart, sensitive, able to use a large vocabulary, a strong sense of right and wrong — charming by all precursory glances. But delve deeper — say, by the fourth or fifth date — and be prepared to discover the following:
1. He tells you he’s bilingual. By bilingual, he means he also speaks Elvish.
2. She keep a couple of weapons in the house — you know, for safety. Incidentally those include a wall-mounted Bearded Axe of Gimli. When you inquire about it, you’ll quickly be told, “The dwarven kind carried many axes, but none as powerful as the Bearded Axe of Gimli.” Riiight.
3. April 12 will mark the annual date she begins rereading the Lord of the Rings trilogy, because “In The Fellowship of the Ring, April 12 is the date Gandalf reached Hobbiton to enlist Frodo in his quest.” Duh.
4. “One ring to rule them all” has nothing to do with a potential proposal.
5. When you ask your Tolkien fanatic where y’all should go one your next vacation, he answers “Middle-earth.”
6. He keeps telling you how much you look like Liv Tyler.
7. She shouts, “Legolas! What do your elf eyes see?” each time you look out a window.
8. After brunch, your Tolkien fanatic suggests you hit up a nearby diner for second-breakfast.
9. You’re handed the following recipe and expected to make it:
Baked Bluefish For Gollum
Preheat the oven to 425 degrees. Place a 4 to 5 pound bluefish, cleaned and split, on an oiled baking sheet, skin side down. Lay 5 or 6 strips of bacon across it. Bake uncovered for 25 minutes until the fish flakes easily. Sprinkle with fresh parsley and lemon juice and serve immediately.
10. He calls you his precious.
When you can no longer watch the film Rudy because it just doesn’t feel right to see Samwise Gamgee make a touchdown, or when Elijah Woods’ piercing blue eyes begin to haunt your dreams, you may have to decide it’s time for you and your Tolkien fan to part ways. But if you love Orcs, discussing the war waged by the Dark Lord Sauron, or want to make your home a replica of the Bagginses of Bag End, for you and Tolkein fanatic J.R.R. would have this to say of your love: “A star shone at the hour of your meeting.”
Good luck and godspeed.