Paging Mrs. Robinson: 5 Inappropriate Crushes We’re Totally Cool Withby Lauren Passell on June 11, 2012
I may be a little old to be crushing on these… well, these boys. But I can’t help it. They are hot. So I’m giving myself (and you) a free pass to oogle these guys, keeping in mind the following rules: it doesn’t count as inappropriate if underage guys drink and smoke and act like adults, it doesn’t count as inappropriate if they’re in black and white, it doesn’t count as inappropriate if they are living in a Distopian world, it doesn’t count as inappropriate if the actors are no longer under-age, and last but not least, it doesn’t count as inappropriate if I just don’t care. And ladies and gentlemen, I just don’t care. So oogle away.
To anyone who was an 8-year-old girl the first time she saw Newsies and had pretty much zero film standards, it became an instant obsession. But watching Newsies as an adult is an eye-opening experience. Watching the boys shave and shower in the morning and get ready for their work day will make you feel like a pedophile. The boys are hot — something I didn’t realize when I was 8. Christian Bale (even with the grimy haircut), David Moscow, Gabriel Damon, Aaron Lohr. There is even something charming about the young Bill Pullman. In 1899, I would have shacked up with underage criminal boys with no future. We would have had to hook up in dark alleys because none of them had homes. It surely never would have led to anything serious, despite my hopes that it would. I can see myself crying in old-timey clothes, alone on a dark NYC corner. “He told me he loved me! I spent all of my money buying his newspapers for nothing!” I swear to God it is what Katy Perry was referring to when she wrote Teenage Dream. Let’s go all the way tonight, boys. We can dance until we die.
The appeal: They are such badasses.
The crush is okay because: since they drink and smoke and swear like sailors, they seem older than they are. Oh, and can we all agree to hate that girl, Sarah Jacobs, who got to kiss Christian Bale because who does she think she is?
You first read the book, The Outsiders, in 6th grade, perhaps? And you fell in love with Ponyboy Curtis, Dallas Winston, Darrel Curtis, Sodapop Curtis, Two-Bit Matthews, Steve Randal, et al. And then the movie came out! And suddenly you didn’t even have to read a book you just looked up and there they were. And it was better than you ever could have imagined. The cast is almost too good to be true — Matt Dillon, Patrick Swayze, Rob Lowe, Emilio Estevez, and Tom Cruise (much younger in 1983.) There is a reciting of the Robert Frost poem “Nothing Gold Can Stay” which is beautiful. And I know S.E. Hinton, the author of the book, included that part just to make us all go, “these boys! they’re so rough yet sensitive too!” and it worked with me, so good job, Hinton.
The appeal: There is something really attractive thinking about dirty guys getting into rumbles and running away, and that is basically all the Outsiders do. Like the Newsies, they’ve had difficult lives, and my heart goes out to them. Between all the fighting and the poetry, they nail the swoony balance of tough and sweet.
The crush is okay because: It’s been almost 30 years — these actors are adults now.
Wally from Leave It To Beaver
Wally might be 13 and from the 1950′s but that doesn’t mean he’s not hottttt stuffffffff. He’s smart, a great role model for Beaver, and so damn polite. You know he would treat you right, girl. His parents trust him, his classmates like him, and he’s athletic. I don’t usually go for the straight arrows, but this is the one exception. It’s adorable how good Wally is to Beaver. He stands up for him, fights for him, helps him, and is a liasion between Beaver and Ward and June. When Beaver is doing silly stuff like getting his head stuck in the stairway banister, Wally is there, being all cute and helpful, rolling his eyes.
The appeal: Wally is just a great guy. — the kind of guy you could bring home to mom, and then make out with and feel really, really good about it. And since the show does not really explore in depth his relationships, we don’t know his faults. I’m focusing on the positive.
The crush is okay because: The show is in black and white. It totally doesn’t count.
Almost Every Single Guy In The Hunger Games
The directors did us good with Lenny Kravitz, Liam Hemsworth and Davo Okenivi cast as the stars of this kazillion-dollar blockbuster. And I know people were disappointed in the casting of Peeta, but once I got used to the idea of Peeta not being exactly like I dreamed while reading the book, I realized Josh Hutcherson was perfect, even as a shortie. They even managed to make Haymitch more appealing than he should have been. (I mean, I love Woody Harrelson, but Haymitch was supposed to be disgusting.) Oh, movies. For those of you who drooled over Liam Hemsworth, did you know he was born in 1990? I am always shocked to find out that someone born in the 1990′s is not still a baby. I can’t get my mind around that. But okay! Even though he is supposed to be 17, a 1990 DOB makes him 22. Annnnd we’re legal! I can’t wait to see who they cast as Finnick. When does that movie come out? I’ll probably be 35 and it will be even more inappropriate.
The appeal: The boys in The Hunger Games are appealing for different reasons. Peeta has a huge heart (and apparently he can throw things, like really far.) Gale, despite his girly name, is a manly man who hunts and provides for his family and goes into mines and… ahhhh. Thresh is just really hot. And he does the right thing to let Katniss go instead of killing her when she is being attacked by Clove. Why am I still talking about this? You don’t need me to remind you why the guys in The Hunger Games are hot.
The crush is okay because: Distopian world. Doesn’t count.
Jonathan Taylor Thomas (JTT)
I’m going to let this video I found on YouTube speak for itself: