9 Ways To Get Him To Leave Your Apartment The Morning Afterby Chelsea Aaron on August 02, 2012
So you had one too many vodka-tonics and ended up bringing home that dude you met at the bar—you know, the one who looked like Jon Snow last night, but looks like Judah Friedlander this morning? And of course, as luck would have it, your make-out buddy happens to be in Stage-5 clinger mode. Worry not: here are 10 ways to get him out of your apartment so that you can spend the rest of the day eating leftover Chipotle and laying face-down on the floor.
1. Nuzzle your face into his neck and then shout “WHY DON’Y YOU JUST STAY ALL MORNING AND CUDDLE WITH ME?!” in your best Batman voice.
2. Look him dead in the eye and say “Have you seen my V-card? I seem to have lost it.”
3. Squint suspiciously at his mouth until he asks what you’re doing. Reply “Checking to see if I gave you herpes,” and then nod your head thoughtfully and say, “Yep. Definitely did.”
4. Stage a fake phone call to your fake boyfriend, whose fake name is Bone Thug Murderer.
5. Paint your nails. According to irrefutable scientific fact (aka Cosmo), the smell of nail polish makes men want to die.
6. Wink and say, “Bet you couldn’t even tell that I used to be a dude, could you.”
7. Change your roommate’s text alert to the sound of a baby crying. Then text her. When the crying starts, roll your eyes and groan “Dammit, that thing never shuts up!” Then look tenderly at him, pat your stomach, and say, “This one will be a quiet little angel, though. I just know it.”
8. Spend three hours in the bathroom. When he knocks to ask if you’re okay, say “Meh, it’s gonna be a while. Could you slide some gum under the door?”
9. Tell him to leave your money on the dresser.