You have one. I have one. Hell, even The Patron Saint of Ladies, Tina Fey, has one. It’s a list. A list of our must-have (I’m calling them “must-haves” instead of “dealbreakers,” because that’s more positive! Also, it makes me sound like less of a bitch) qualities we seek in a mate (I’m calling it a “mate” here because it makes me sound like I know things about Science).

Sure, on the surface we all talk about how we’re open to everyone that comes our way. That we want to meet new people who challenge us and make us see the world differently ETC, ETC. But that’s a lie! Because despite how much that veterinarian who save lions in Africa would totally challenge my world view, I will honestly never be able to get over the fact that it seems as though he hasn’t brushed his teeth in three years (they have toothbrushes in African veterinary clinics. I checked).

So here it is. My list of musts. Maybe this is like letters to my future husband. Maybe it’s like that time on Practical Magic where Sandra Bullock asks for a man with one green eye and one blue eye (this is just an example. Not that I watched the movie TWICE on ABC Family this weekend or anything):

1. You must accept the fact that I talk at the television.

I talk at it a lot. No, I don’t (always) expect a reply back, but if we’re watching a scary movie, you’re going to have to deal with the fact that I’m going to yell at that girl to TURN AROUND ALREADY! HE’S GOT A KNIFE! Oh, we’re watching a mystery? Yeah, I’m going to try and vocally guess who did it the moment someone dies.

2. You must never say “bro.”

Unless you’re saying it in a way that makes fun of people who do, actually say “bro” in a way that is Serious. Other words that are forbidden unless said ironically include, “posse” “roll” “bday” and “crew.”

3. You must not belong to a fantasy sports team.

Actually, no, I take that one back. You can belong to one, but you must spend as much time trying to explain the appeal of fantasy sports to me as you do actually participating in them (like, that stuff is confusing to more than just me, right?).

4. You must stand with Planned Parenthood.

This isn’t the place to talk about how insane things are for women. But if we’re dating, you’re going to know about it. More than that, you’re going to act.

5. You must know the difference between “I” and “me” and also “it’s” and “its.”

This is non-negotiable.

6. If you’re a vegan or a vegetarian, you must not preach about it.

Look, I like steak. And bacon. And cheese (omg, have you tried cheese? Cheese is the beeeest). If you don’t, that’s your prerogative, but I don’t want to be lectured while I’m eating a cheeseburger.

7. You may never call me “babe.”

I know we live in New England. I know it’s an easy trap in which to fall. But No. Uh-uh. Not having it. I’d rather you call me “mommie” than babe. Actually, no, I take it back. Never call me mommie. Or babe. Just call me Joy. Joy is a perfectly acceptable petname! Let’s leave it at that.

And that’s all. Just seven little checkmarks you must pass before enter into my heart. And now that I’ve put my superficiality on the line, tell me! What are yours? Alternatively, if you don’t feel like sharing, see what friends on Tumblr had to say!

Joy Engel lives and works in Portland, Maine where she tweets far too much and solves the occasional murder-mystery while riding around on a bicycle. Everything she writes is her personal opinion and does not necessarily represent the views of her employer or its clients.

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