Oh, those wily wily Victorians! Check out this 1850s love letter owned by the Library of Congress.

The Text:

MADAM,

The great love and tenderness I have hitherto expressed for you
is false, and I now feel that my indifference towards you
increases proportionably every day, and the more I see you
the more I appear ridiculous, and an object of contempt, and
the more I feel disposed, inclined, and finally determined, to
hate you. Believe me I never had the least inclination to
offer you my hand and heart. Our last conversation has
I assure you, left a wretched insipidity, which has be no means
possessed me with the most exalted opinion of your character.
Yes, madam, and you will much oblige me by avoiding me.
And if ever we are united, I shall experience nothing but the
fearful hatred of my parents, added to an everlasting dis-
pleasure of living with you. Yes, madam, I think sincerely.
You need not put yourself to the smallest trouble or send or
write me an answer —— Adieu. And believe that I am
so averse to you that it is really impossible I should ever be,
Madam,
Your affectionate lover till death.
W. GOFF

Kinda confusing right? Now try going back and reading every other line. Apparently, this clever young guy was trying to trick the girl’s father, who would surely read her letters from suitors.

So how tricky is it to write one of these things? I asked fellow Date Report writer Scott to give it a whirl:

Hey Joe,
I can’t believe you made me walk all the way home in the rain last night!
That was the wettest I’ve ever been and I think I’m going to be sore for a week.
What kind of a jerk forgets to bring cash for a taxi?
I’ve been thinking about your insane, barbaric behavior all day long.
I’ve decided you’re a total creep.
I just want to put you behind me.
Don’t call, don’t text, don’t IM.
Because of you, I got dirty and wet and that’s not going to be easy to forget.
Go to hell.
-Sally

Not bad, eh?

[The Virtual Victorian]

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