5 Ways The Euro Crisis Is Good for Your Love Lifeby Dave Bircher on July 24, 2012
I’d like to buy a vowel, please? O. Yes, perfect…and you can just add that to the back of your first name if you would like to date me. Julio. Francesco. Rolando. Alejandro. Gianu…I mean, Adrea…damn. Well f*ck it, they’re still vowels. You get the point.
For those of you with a weakness for lovers with the Mediterranean flare, the Euro crisis engulfing the European Union’s southern members may seem devastating on the surface. I find myself thinking something along these lines every morning while reading the Times on the train, “What?! NO! Italy’s borrowing costs can’t be that high! If Italy collapses, there will be no other culture left on the planet that approves my heavy red wine drinking! And the men! Where will I go to sit around all day and stare at beautiful men who still live with their mothers?!”
I am writing to calm your nerves, Europhiles. Because I really have had to invest myself in calming my own. This crisis is not the end of culturally-approved day drinking or, more importantly, hook-ups that require Italian-to-English translation apps (thank the Lord). Here’s why:
This is an obvious one but could be easily overlooked with the doom and gloom pictures that are painted for us daily in the news. From what I’ve heard the streets of Athens are just fine… and so are the men.
Too soon? Maybe. But I’m here to speak the truth not be politically correct. Those well-to-do southern Europeans are looking to invest their soon-to-be defunct Euros somewhere. Thank you JESUS that one of those places happens to be my block in Harlem. In fact, my brawny (yet sweet) neighbor I share my balcony with at the moment is seeking better opportunities than what was available in his native Portugal. Let’s just say I’m interested in exploring a variety of opportunities with him.
No Need For Bridges Or Tunnels
Ladies, if Fendi purses were actually within your price range and available to you would you go to Chinatown for the knock-off version? Hell no. With the influx of Europeans into New York we no longer have to trek to Jersey to get a taste of the Italians. We get the REAL deal, now. This includes, but is not limited to, the following: dreamy accent, proper amount of hair product, naturally lean and muscular, cultured, and (depending on how things progress) a family villa in Sicily.
Intimacy Without The Relationship
If you’re not thinking long-term here, there’s still good news. You’ll never “hook-up” with a southern European. You will have a [insert Mediterranean country here] lover. Big difference. Sure, corn-fed Midwestern boys may have the courtesy to buy you a donut the next morning, but those Europeans will give you a sensual Italian lesson on the human anatomy, sex the hell out of you, and then offer you an espresso and a Lucky Strike as you discuss the differences between American and Continental philosophy.
You know they’re going to get bailed out. Angela Merkel is miserable but not stupid. In the meantime, the European diaspora will be hunting for mates. Americans with skills will also be needed to dig the Europeans out of this mess. Both of those are great pathways to European Union citizenship. Once all is well again, you’ll be headed to your personal Greek island with an EU passport in one hand and your gorgeously tanned [name]o in your other.