HowAboutWe – Date Report

1. The All Knowing

Raised in a female-dominated household, I learned quickly that women are smarter than men. Fortunately men have sports to show expertise in something. But every now and then a gal knows more or just as much about sports. If she rips out statements like: “why do they run this running back outside when he’s clearly a stronger inside runner? And why were they running? This defense is the 28th-ranked pass defense in the league. These third down conversions are crucial” … then she’s considered All-Knowing.

Male Opinion: Threatened. An All Knowing gal is attractive at first, but what am I supposed to be better at if she’s better than me in sports knowledge? It’s not a deal breaker though. In the long run, this gal may connect with me over my love of sports — and teach me something.

An un-‘roided version of the All Knowing, this gal roots passionately for her team regardless of how good they are. She doesn’t necessarily know the X’s and O’s, but she loyally plans around game times, and knows most of her team’s players.

Male Opinion: Impressed. It’s super-cool when the gal passionately roots for some random team like Kansas City or Baltimore — especially if she’s a transplant in a big city that traditionally attracts Fair Weather Fans (more on them in a bit) — New York, LA, Miami. There is only conflict if you root for a division rival. My Philadelphia Eagles friend is not attending his wife’s (a Giants fan) Uncle’s Super Bowl Party because he “can’t bring himself to do it.”

3. The Nurturer

Passion is contagious; so many women who aren’t Die Hards/All Knowings root for their significant other’s team. Sometimes she does so because wants her boyfriend to be happy — and he is happiest when his team wins. Also, she may grow to enjoy rooting for his team. She may not know much about what’s going on, but if she continues to attend events, she’s usually a quick study. It’s sort of the way I learned all the dudes’ names on the Housewives of New Jersey–painful osmosis while watching TV with a girlfriend.

Male Opinion: Cute. But the friends of the dude are usually skeptical: “oh, so she’s suddenly a Packers fan because her boyfriend is?” Groups of male sports watchers are incredibly bitchy and sorority-like when it comes to their experience. Many times, a Nurturer is perceived as an interloper who is rooting for her guy’s team as a ruse to spend more time with him, or to keep him in her sights when he wants guy time. Ultimately, a true Nurturer is accepted, but the jury remains out for a while.

This gal spouts out incorrect facts with Tourette’s-like enthusiasm: “oh my God, why didn’t he throw a changeup to that linebacker so that they could have scored a holding penalty in the basket?” Often, the mashing up of athlete names and sports terms leads to awkward situations.

Male Opinion: Semi-offensive. We look at each other after countless embarrassing statements with helpless, pleading eyes. Someone, do something? It must be how my female co-workers feel when the new girl comes wearing the slutty “skirt-too-high outfit” on her first day.

This gal doesn’t give a crap about sports, and she owns it. She lives a life (like I wish I could) void of sports and all of its emotional triumph and failures.

Male Opinion: Respect. This is the easiest type of girl to bring in to your circle of guy friends. She won’t attend sporting events with the guys, opting instead to do own thing giving her guy priceless space/dude time. And, of course, an independent woman is always sexy.

This is by far the worst type of female fan. I have a Fair Weather at work. All season, while I slaved away over my Baltimore Ravens, sacrificing Sundays, letting them play with my head with their ups and downs, she didn’t mention the Giants — or football for that matter — once. In fact, she pretended to be a Passive: “I’m just too good to care.” Seconds after the Giants Super Bowl win, she proclaimed Giants love. To spread her venom, she took to social media, replacing her Facebook profile picture with the Giants logo (I’ve never had anything Baltimore Raven-related as my picture despite crying on multiple occasions over them.) Like a crop duster, she sprayed her “go Giants” status updates all over the internet. The Fair Weather usually knows 1-3 guys on the team of her choice — the ones that are married to a reality TV star, or appear in Us Weekly or Page 6. Sometimes it’s the best player, or most important player like the quarterback.

Male Opinion: Annoyance. She’s following the masses, doing what’s trendy. This might be a deal breaker for me. It shows that she’s not passionate about anything. Rather, she adapts what’s popular, and shows up when it’s convenient—without investing anything beforehand.

Ladies, what type of fans are you and your friends? Guys, do you have any other types that you see out in the wild?