It’s not that I want all my ex-boyfriends to die. I’m not a bad person. But I must admit I would love it if they ceased to exist on the same planet and time in space as I do. They can even be happy. They can do fun things. The don’t even have to work! They just can never remind me that they exist.

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When I am president, the first thing I will do is finally create Ex-Boyfriend Island (kind of like how Georgia or Australia were originally founded). Now, I am not completely sure of the geographic location of this colony, but what I do know is it will have a few rules, which are listed below. And don’t worry, like I said, I’m not a bad person, so I won’t put this colony in the Artic or anywhere cold like that. I think I will make a man-made island somewhere in the Pacific. That sounds kind of nice.

Rules for Ex-Boyfriend Island (feel free to add your own):

1. Ex-boyfriend Island isn’t just for my ex-boyfriends. Your ex-boyfriends can go there too. There are only two criteria for entering EBI: 1) You must choose to send him there, and 2) You must do so knowing that you will never see him again (i.e. you’re not getting back together). Otherwise, the principle on which EBI was founded is compromised.

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2. Under no circumstances are there to be any female human beings on the island. These boys can play beach volleyball, drink Coronas from a cooler — they can even listen to music. Just no girls. Period.

3. All citizens of EBI will work together to form a working government of their choosing. They must report their proposed Constitution and give updates on how it is managing and who is responsible for what roles. This is one-hundred percent for my own amusement. I really just want to see what they do, and who will be in charge.

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4. And finally, all citizens on EBI are personally responsibly for finding out how many licks it takes them to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop. I just really want to know, and I always bite after like, 14 licks.

 

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