Candy hearts are sweet, sure, but only apply to like, the blissfully and happily in love. (How often in your life are you moved to think “Be Mine” or “Dear One”?)

This cartoon does a pretty good job of showing some slightly more realistic messages…

But the truly, truly dysfunctional relationships are being woefully underrepresented by the candy industry on Valentine’s Day.

Yeah, these relationships aren’t ideal, but most of us spend a lot of time passing through them on the way to finding a relationship that works. And if Valentine’s Day is about romance, shouldn’t it cover it all: the good, but also the bad and the ugly?

Here are some of our suggestions for Candy Hearts to describe the…sometimes annoying, sometimes disheartening, sometimes fun stops on the way to lasting love.

  • TXT DON’T CALL
  • FRNZ W/BNZ
  • FBOOK OFFICIAL
  • BE MY FILLER GF
  • BE MY OFFICE BF
  • BE MY REBOUND
  • OUT OF MY LEAGUE
  • CAN WE JUST LIE HERE?
  • FACEBOOK FLIRT
  • MY CAT LOVES ME
  • DOWNTON ABBEY LOVES ME
  • I STALKED UR EX
  • DT SKYPE SEX?
  • I’D COMMUTE 4 U
  • TWITTER-FLIRT WHEN DRUNK
  • I’LL CALL YOU…MAYBE
  • U LOOK BTTR IN UR PICS
  • LETS SPLIT THE BILL
  • INTIMACY ISSUES
  • I’M THRU W/LOVE
  • DYING ALONE
  • PERMANENTLY SINGLE
  • SERIAL MONOGAMIST
  • THE SEX WAS OK.
  • LONG-DISTANCE LOVAHS
  • SHE’S ENGAGED? FML.
  • NO REALLY, I
  • 6 WEEK FLING
  • TESTING OUT 4 MARRIAGE
  • I
  • NOT OVER MY EX
  • I OVERANALYZE UR TXTS
  • What do you guys think, do we have a pretty good start? Help us add to the list!
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