For the person you love from afar:
Wine (and perhaps one of those ‘Hi, My Name is’ cards)

For your Tumblr Crush:
Wine

For the friend you’ve loved in silence far too long:
Wine

For your sexy coworker:
Wine (and perhaps a copy of your HR handbook)

For the person with whom you made a bad first impression:
Wine

For the person you met recently and you don’t really know where you want this to go:
Wine

For your first date:
Wine (times two)

For your break-up:
Wine (times three)

For the person you really like but don’t know how to express that affection:
Wine (and maybe some tequila? Your choice)

For the person with whom you want to spice things up:
Porn. I kid! I kid! Wine, obviously.

For the person who likes you more than you like them:
Wine

For the person you with whom you want to break up, but don’t want to do it the day before Valentine’s Day:
Wine

For “the one that got away”:
Nothing. Nothing at all. Turn around and walk away.

For your ex:
Seriously, nothing. Instead get yourself something. I like to call it a tall glass of dignity.

Joy Engel lives and works in Portland, Maine where she tweets far too much and solves the occasional murder-mystery while riding around on a bicycle. Everything she writes is her personal opinion and does not necessarily represent the views of her employer or its clients.