Sure they walk slow. They can eventually be outwitted. And they harbor a murderous rage deep inside. But horror villains deserve love too. So in honor of Friday the 13th, we pondered what would happen if a few cold-blooded killers fell victim to more warm-blooded ways.

Billy Loomis/Skeet Ulrich from Scream: Imagine an alternate universe where Billy Loomis lives — even if people knew he killed a load of teenagers, with that haircut he still would have gotten laid.

Asami from Auditon: Somehow she survives, and continues to be the reason you should always trust what your friends say about people you’re dating. Listen to the impeding sense of dread when it arises.

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Oskar and Eli from Let the Right One In: The young couple travels to rainy Glasgow in an attempt to flee the authorities and the crippling sunlight. Eventually Eli turns on Oskar after a particularly rough period in their late teens. Now frozen in their teens, they hang around, cropping up with the undead craze is especially trendy and performing in a Swedish, vampire pop group. The are currently recording a track with Robyn (“Konichiwa Vampires”).

Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street: Unfortunately, the sleep killing and nail fingers rendered Fred unlovable to the end. However, his sweaters became very trendy and have helped many a hipster get laid.

Regan MacNeil from The Exorcist: Coming back from possession is hard, so it took Regan awhile to date. While Regan is trying to date, she’s having a hard time moving past her past, sobbing uncontrolably when people order pea soup at dinners, having a major fear of candles or even sleeping beds. Until she can return to the regular single life, she’s living vicariously by writing erotic romance novels, which often feature the temptation of members of the cloth.

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Jack Torrance from The Shining: Now that he’s trapped inside the hotel forever, he spends plenty of time picking up ladies who are also left in purgatory at the hotel bar. His writing suffers for it — as if it could get any worse.

The Shark from Jaws: Don’t hate the player, hate the fact that some sharks have two penises. You do the math.

Hannibal Lecter from Silence of the Lambs: It always starts with a nice Chianti and ends with someone’s face getting eaten off.

Norman Bates from Psycho: After some slight rehabilitation, Norman reentered the dating world via matchmaker, listing that he had a vivid personality and wouldn’t hurt a fly. However, things always seemed to get complicated when it came time to introduce his girlfriends to his mother. . .

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Jason from Friday the 13th: Like Norman, Jason has some mother issues, but his exceptionally handy abilities with all manor of murderous tools (ice picks, axes, arrows) and his fierce dedication draw in one fine lady who believed these positives outweigh his bloody past and horrific deformity. Sadly, Jason drowned on the couples honeymoon at Sandals.

Katie from Paranormal Activity: Katie starts taking again, but she always remembers to take an Ambien before bed. Problem solved.

The Blair Witch: She sets up plenty of dates, but she never ever shows.

The Hill family from The Hills Have Eyes: They dated, just from a very small pool of applicants…

 

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