I made a New Year’s resolution for 2012: Go on more dates. Seems easy enough, especially if you’re judging “more” against the number of dates I went on in 2011, which I believe at last count was FOUR. As in 1, 2, 3… FOUR.

Was I meeting enough new people? I think so. Was I being open minded? Absolutely. Even so, total dating desert. Non-dates, on the other hand, I went on those all the time. Non-dates are like dates, only no one does the “asking out,” and the whole thing must always appear casual to the point of seeming like a coincidence. Imagine a date, then remove any modicum of intention and the risk of rejection — there you go, it’s a non-date!

Related: Date Better in 2012: 10 Things That Pretty Much Everyone Is Looking For in a Partner and How to Get Better At Them
So anyway, I started to wonder if these non-dates were distracting me from all the real dates out there. To keep my resolution, this year I’ll be prepared, and so will you once
you learn to recognize the telltale signs of a non-date. Here are just a few examples of
non-dates I’ve encountered. Remember, if it looks like a date and it feels like a date…
it’s probably just another non-date. Here’s to more dates in 2012!

1. “Looks like it’s going to be just us…” A lot of non-dates begin this way. Maybe you made plans with a group and show up to said plans only to find that everyone has bailed except you and one guy. Or you might propose a plan to a group and only one person shows interest. Are you going to say you don’t want to do the thing you just said you wanted to do? Are you? No, you’re going to go on a weird non-date.

2. The Accidental Coworker Date Near the end of the day Coworker might say, “Hey, want to grab a drink after work?” and you answer “Sure!” because everyone enjoys an adult beverage after work. Maybe it was intended to be several coworkers and everyone decided last minute they were too tired (See above: “Looks like it’s going to be just us…”). You go anyway, and you’re not complaining because Coworker is fun and you get to complain about your job to someone who genuinely cares. Soon one after-work drink becomes three drinks and Coworker gives you a LOOK, reaches for the check and says he’s got this one. Suddenly you wonder, have you been on a non-date this whole time? Then he’ll ask if you’re hungry and maybe want to get something to eat, and you’ll say “Sure!” because you’re both a little drunk at this point and pizza=delicious. Eat your food, go to your home, return to work and never speak of this non-date again.

Related: 5 Dating Resolutions All Women Should Make in 2012
3. The Bait & Hitch This is a sneaky non-date set up by your friends. You’re invited out to some activity, usually a casual dinner, and you show up to discover some mystery guy has been asked to come along because everyone thinks “you two will really hit it off!” Later you might feel lucky to have friends who are looking out for you, but in that moment you’ll probably just feel annoyed that no one gave you a heads up. You came for dinner, not another non-date.

Related: The 30 Worst Dating and Relationship Disasters of 2011
4. The After-Party Date Ever go to a friend’s party and meet a super fun guy? And you are having such a great time you decide to go somewhere to get a drink so that you can keep talking? And it kind of feels like a date, but it also kind of doesn’t and maybe he’s just trying to get laid? Yeah, that’s the “after-party date” non-date.

5. The After Non-Date Non-Date If after any of these non-dates you’re enjoying yourself enough to move on to a new locale, you may be on an after-non-date non-date. Say you start off with a “looks like it’s going to be just us” movie but then the stakes are raised to include a dinner and the vibe is getting considerably more “date-y.” It’s date-Y, but it’s still not quite a date. Better luck next time.

Related: The 5 Signs You’re A Filler Girlfriend
6. The Girl Crush Date You change outfits 4 times before leaving the house. You spend the whole time out obsessing over whether your date thinks you are smart/funny/pretty enough. You have an awkward goodbye where you both stand around for too long and finally just share a dorky side hug and a wave. When you get home you are grinning because you had such a great time and your date has already texted to say the feeling was mutual, let’s hang again soon. The only catch: you’re both straight girls. Non-date.

What kinds of non-dates are you not going to go on this year? Tell us in the comments.

Beth Griffenhagen is the author of Haiku for the Single Girl (Penguin, 2011) and works in the marketing department at Murray’s Cheese. When she’s not eating cheese she blogs, tweets and watches cartoons.

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