1. If you need him to wear protection, he’s got a chain-mail glove handy.

2. If you like dirty talk, he can be really salty.

3. He’s a straight shooter who won’t take any of your bologna.

4. You’ll always be his customer #127.

5. There’s no need to shave unless you want corned beef.

6. When you’re feeling lovesick, he’s got a house-cure.

7. He comes home with a special package each night.

8. Don’t worry about the number on the scale, he only cares about high quality.

9. Your first time together, he’ll lay you down gently, like prosciutto onto wax paper.

10. He’ll show genuine concern if you knock your head on his dangling salami.

11. You bring the rug, he’s got the picnic.

12. He’s into bones with meat on them.

13. You haven’t experienced the primal thrill of fire and ice until you’ve eaten spicy pepperoni in a coolroom.

14. He’s got connections to the bakery department.

15. There’s not a ton of competition—the last hot chick he saw was headless, in an oven.

16. Dusted in roast chicken seasoning, standing in the steam of the bain marie, he’s irresistible.

17. He’s deft at handling your two breasts.

18. You give him butterflies in his giblets.

19. He can be a ham.

20. He’s full of cute nicknames for you, lambchop.

21. He’s a feminist who’s likely to offer, “Hey bitch, want me to make you a sandwich?”

22.Through thick and thin, he’ll see that your hand doesn’t get chopped off.

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