Love and Family: The Darwinism of Modern-Day Marriage

I love talk radio. Call-in psychologists’ shows are my favorite — the personal drama through a voyeuristic ear, the calls that prove we’re not alone in our struggles, the doctor’s insights that always makes life a little easier to understand. I’ve begun planning my gym schedule during Cosmo Radio’s Love & Sex Show with Dr. Jenn because nothing makes an hour on the elliptical fly like advice about breakups and orgasms, you know?

Often an episode will inadvertently develop a theme: one woman calls in with an issue about her mother-in-law’s constant criticism of her, and then another woman calls to confess that she doesn’t want to host her in-laws for Christmas, and suddenly it’s two hours of “Everything You Need To Know About Marrying Someone Who’s Ever Had A Mother.” It’s brilliant. A few weeks ago, I picked up on a pattern of women in their twenties and thirties calling in with problems finding a mate. When Dr. Jenn broke down their questions, what the callers had in common was that they were very close with their families — a good thing, of course — but they were so tight that they couldn’t discern what they wanted in a partner versus what their families wanted them to find. Dr. Jenn sometimes uses the term “enmeshment” to describe a dynamic of this nature, in which family members can’t tell where one individual’s emotions end and another family member’s begin. They’re lacking of boundaries and are so connected that they don’t know how not to overshare with each other.

I’m close with my family, and I felt a weight lift when Dr. Jenn said that by the time she’s in her mid-twenties and into her thirties, it’s really ideal for a woman to start selecting her mates based solely on her own needs and desires. This is part of the individuation process, at the end of which a stable young adult makes a physical, financial and emotional break from his or her family and begins to make major life decisions by themselves. We might think of it as, “Mom, Dad, I’ve decided to do such-and-such with my life, and I love you and hope you’ll be happy, but I’m not asking for your permission. I’m asking for your blessing.”

Simple, right? Actually, it’s a pretty fresh approach considering young Western adults are closer with (and more dependent on) their families than ever before. As MSNBC.com reported via LiveScience.com last October, 51 million Americans are living in multigenerational households, and it’s suggested that 25 million young American adults live with their parents. In Canada, approximately 44% of adults in their twenties live with their families. The reason so many of us are migrating back home? Experts cite our tough economy.

Financially we need our families more than ever, which makes it even tougher to break the ties emotionally. I’ve reported that Boomerang kids (adults who move back home with their parents) often experience somewhat limited romantic freedom during the re-nesting period. But as culture continues to shift, young adults’ roles in society evolve, and we finally locate the empowerment in our relationships from our parents instead of dependence, young women are finding stronger footing than ever.

Journalist Hanna Rosin has stated that 2010 was the first time that women composed the majority of the American workforce, and 51 percent of managers were women. Also, manufacturing used to be our major industry, but today, information and service — female-dominated industries that require detail-orientation and creativity — are the fields that impact our economy most powerfully.

Women are operating in society in a stronger way than ever before, and we’re now beginning to outmatch men. I dare assert that with what Rosin calls “the rise of women,” what we seek in male partners is changing. This kind of change is exciting for us, but with the transformation comes this uncertainty: will we still need men? Will men and women still like each other? We will, but for different reasons than in the past.

For centuries many biologists (and more recently, psychologists) have believed that we choose mates based on their potential as parents to our future offspring. There are physical characteristics in both males and females that indicate they’d be promising reproduction partners, but today scientists are beginning to find that the most successful mates are looking for different traits in each other — traits that have more to do with personality than anatomy. In November 2011, the New York Times reported on a University of Wisconsin study of a species of Brazilian monkey, the muriqui, whose males and females are built with similar musculature (that is, they have similar body shapes and are equally strong). Among the males, there’s no competition to be the alpha. As the reporter put it, “Even when it comes to mating, males tend to simply wait their turn instead of fighting.”

Guess what the monkeys having the most sex were doing right: “A male enjoys greater reproductive success if he shares an unusual physical closeness with his mother, or if he happens to be lucky enough to live with a sister or two,” the Times reported. As the male muriquis aren’t incredibly outgoing in their attempts to outdo each other, it sounds like their most prime opportunity to impress the ladies is when they’re on social outings with their mothers and sisters. Thanks to their female kin, said the report, the males “learn how to behave appropriately around potential mates.”

The muriquis point to the modern-day Darwinism of marriage. When I think back on all the fellas I’ve ever dated, the relationships in which I was most invested were with guys who had sisters and liked their moms. These men were more understanding, more patient, tuned in, less likely to play games, and more sensitive than the guys I’ve dated who didn’t have women they were especially close to in their families. This isn’t to say that an only child or a guy with brothers is a doomed boyfriend or husband, but I suggest that guys who grew up in a home with women possess an appreciation of the challenges females face and, dare I say, embrace us despite our complexities. In short, they’re kind, supportive partners.

As women continue to go out in the world on our own, that’s what we’ll need. Increasingly Western homes won’t be run by the alpha wolf — they’ll be run by the queen bee. The man who signs up for life with this kind of woman is rock-solid, loyal, understanding — truly a man to the core. Life and work and families and friends present enough challenges — we want to come home to a hug, a pleasant conversation, some intimacy, and most of all peace. When a woman begins to think like an adult and choose her partner, she’ll look for the one who gets her and shows her love.

Look, I’ll make it clearer: the muriqui monkey in Brazil knows that if you treat a strong girl right, it increases the chance that she’ll want to engage in mating behavior with you.

The view from here suggests that humans may be catching on too.

Kristine Gasbarre is the author of How to Love an American Man: A True Story and a freelance writer living in Brooklyn. Follow, friend and visit her at www.kristinegasbarre.com