5 Things I Learned About Sex from Rap Musicby Nikki Metzgar on January 19, 2012
A bird-and-the-bees talk from my parents and some state-mandated sex ed when I was 13 meant my base of sexual knowledge was more or less limited to a strict curfew and a half-memorized diagram of a uterus.
Lucky for me, the collective wisdom of Dead Prez, Ludacris, Soulja Boy and every rapper to ever address the topic of sex is vast and, well, graphic. With an Internet connection and some occasional cross-referencing to Urban Dictionary, anyone can be well on the way to full-on sexual expertise.
5. Engage in Mind Sex
The impulse to move straight to the kinky stuff is strong, but like any good lover and the members of Dead Prez know, it’s best to start slow. This track from M-1 and stic.man emphasizes the benefits of getting to know your partner before disrobing. Have a conversation, listen to some records and maybe enjoy some salad.
Key Lyrics: “Opposites attract that’s the basis/ Our sex is the wind that separates the yin from the yang”
4. Love Thine Own Booty
Ladies, in this day and age, it’s easy to get down on your own physical appearance. But if you ever lose sight of your own powerful appeal — and confidence is key — remember that there are definitely men out there who would gladly slide a credit card between your cheeks.
In case you need reminding, consult the experts: Sir Mix-a-Lot’s classic “I Like Big Butts” and the more recent homage to the booty, Big Sean’s “Dance (A$$).” Songs of this genre also serve as good resources for the types of moves you can perform in order to enhance the booty (see: bounce it, shake it, put it down).
Key Lyrics: “a$$ a$$ a$$ a$$”
3. How to Innovate
Remember, there is no limit to the human imagination. Did Soulja Boy content himself with a handful of elementary positions? No, he did not. He invented Supermanning. Or at least he wrote a chorus about it. If you need a few ideas to help get the brainstorming going, Luda’s “What’s Your Fantasy” is essentially a laundry list of places, role-playing scenarios and edible accompaniments to move things along.
Key Lyrics: “We can do it in the pouring rain/ Runnin the train when it’s hot or cold out/How ’bout in the library on top of books/But you can’t be too loud”
2. Invest in a Sex Room
Perhaps more than any man alive, Ludacris really knows how to have sex. (The exception is “Just the Tip.” Come on, guys. That’s not cool.) Now that you have a mentally engaged partner and a few moves up your sleeve, the best way to really advance to a higher level of sexual performance is to invest in a sex room. According to the sex bard himself, said room would ideally be outfitted with a circular bed, candles, a pole, mirrors in the headboard and a few loose towels. And because God is in the details, remember that sex with your iPhone on is not okay, but iPods are acceptable.
Key Lyrics: “You better get a couple towels, baby.”
1. Face down, ass up.
The lesson could really begin and end there.
Nikki Metzgar is a writer from Texas. She thinks the best first dates don’t include sit down dinners, but can’t help but be impressed by flowers. @nikkimetz