You want to get laid? Congratulations! Most of us do! Should you be in the market for sex with a lady, there are polite ways to inform your potential partner of your amorous desires and totally inappropriate ways to do so. Using an improper sex euphemism can kill her mood faster than you can say “bumping uglies.” Below, some unapproved sex euphemisms that won’t lead to porking boning the horizontal polka sexual intercourse.

Plus: The 20 Sluttiest Things People Have Ever Done

1. Climbing the tree. I’m not trying to feel five again.

2. Making the beast with two backs. If I wanted a Shakespeare lesson, I would ask.

3. Throwing a hotdog down a hallway. Are you calling my vagina large and cavernous?

4. Taking the skin boat to tuna town. This sounds like one of those weird kiddie rides at Disneyland.

Related: 10 Crazy Sexual Practices We Were Totally Unaware Of

5. Making a magic sandwich. I’ll determine if our sandwich is actually magic or not, thank you very much.

6. Crashing the custard truck. I don’t want to understand what this means.

7. Putting some meat in a hot pocket. I don’t like hot pockets, in bed or otherwise.

8. The mattress Olympics. I’m too tired to do this.

9. Cleaning the cobwebs with the womb broom. Oh come now, it hasn’t been that long.

10. Rumpy pumpy. Oh how adorable! Are you going to read me a Dr. Seuss book after we do it?

11. The monster mash. Only on Halloween or after a Lady Gaga concert.

Related: 30 Unapproved Names For A Woman’s Bush

12. Batter dip the corn dog. Uh, no thanks.

13. Fixing the clap flap. I was unaware my “clap flap” was broken.

14. Pickle tickle. Reserved for Snooki and her gorilla juice heads.

15. Polish the porpoise. What is the porpoise in this scenario? Please explain.

16. Vulcanize the whoopee stick. Too geeky.

17. Cleaning the pipes. You are not my plumber.

–Amelia McDonell-Parry

This post originally appeared on The Frisky.

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