So you’ve decided to have sex in the back of a taxi. Bold! Keep in mind, however, that (until we find ourselves living in a terrifying future) human beings still drive cabs. Here are 5 basic courtesies you should always observe.

1. Don’t get too friendly with the driver

Striking up a conversation with the driver about his/her family then interrupting it to engage in a sexual act in the back of his/her taxi is supremely uncool. If you’re going to pretend the driver’s not there, just pretend they’re not there. Give them the address and get down to business.

2. Make sure they know where they’re going

Again, you want to do everything in your power to make sure that once naughtiness ensues, you don’t want have to tell your driver to take a left instead of a right while you’re getting an obvious handjob under your coat. Because it’s rude. And potentially confusing.

3. Try to avoid actual intercourse

It’s best to stick to sexual acts that can be somewhat concealed and can occur in a more or less seated position. The driver should be given the option of somewhat plausibly pretending that nothing is happening.

4. Seated, Silent and Semi-clothed!

Especially if you decide to ignore #3. Sitting on laps is okay, but legs shouldn’t be up in the air, pants should be mostly on and you should both do your best to keep the noise down. It’s only polite.

5. Tip BIG

And don’t say anything about it. Everybody knows what went down in this taxi tonight. There’s no need to bring it up or apologize. Just zip up and get out.

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