He Said/She Said: First Date Sexby Chiara Atik on June 09, 2011
First date sex: is it a good idea or a bad idea? And do men really think more highly of women who wait a few dates to have sex? HowAboutWe’s dating bloggers Scott and Chiara take to GChat to debate.
Chiara: So! First date sex. I recently came across a line in an article written by a woman about first date sex: “Why are we still making the expression of our sexuality about him?” I LOVE that line. If I want to have sex with you on the first date, why should I abstain, just because you might judge me for it?
Scott: You shouldn’t. But I might judge you for it. That’s real.
Chiara: Should I judge you for it back? Like, if we have sex on the first date, should I think “oh this guy is not serious, he just wants one thing and one thing only?”
Scott: No, of course not. It’s not even necessarily a negative judgement. It’s just that willingness to have sex on the first date is information that I’m going to take into account. My OWN willingness to have sex on a first date is info too.
Chiara: so how does it inform your opinion of a girl? honestly
Scott: It really depends on where it seems like the impulse is coming from. Sometimes I think “This girl loves sex and is confident about her sexuality and doesn’t give a shit.” Sometimes I think, “This girl has poor boundaries.”
And it’s exactly the same with me.
Chiara: Okay–do you, in general, think first date sex is a no-no?
Scott: Only if you’re invested in seeing where it can go. The post-sex flight impulse is so real with guys. Actually knowing each other combats that.
If you’re cool either way, go ahead and have sex. But GUYS should know this about themselves, too, and act accordingly.
Chiara: Then how come, in dating bogs, it’s always GIRLS who are told to not have sex with guys right away, and not vice versa?
Scott: Because, in general, guys are portrayed as walking dicks in the media. Like sex is just beyond their control. There’s SOME truth to that, sure. But guys can be aware of their impulses and try to make good choices anyway. Just like women. Women, also want to have sex and don’t always, right?
Chiara: right! often because we’re warned not to.
Scott: Yeah. Well, for one thing, maybe guys should be warned not to more often.
Chiara: Agreed! Basically, in terms of RELATIONSHIPS, or GOOD DATING, both guys and girls SHOULD probably wait–because, regardless of gender, pre-sex bonding does, like you said, affect sex.
Scott: yeah, and sex affects everything. It can make you feel closer, more affectionate toward someone, or like you NEVER want to see them again. You just have to be smart about it. I’m not trying to be a prude. Have your sex. All you want. With whoever. Just know that lots of casual sex isn’t the best way to get into a real relationship.