10 Tips For Hitting On A Lifeguardby Lauren Passell on July 20, 2012
I was a lifeguard for a few years, so I know a thing or two about what is really going up there in those tall chairs. First of all, lifeguards care about your safety, sure. But that is not actually their main concern. It is not why they are lifeguards. They want to sit up in a chair and get their tan on and check people out. It is, in many ways (if you are still living with your parents or receiving a stipend from your wealthy grandmother) a wonderful job. Lifeguards are fun to hook up with (in the Snack Shack), they’re attractive, their jobs put little stress on them so they are light-hearted and fun-loving, and they might be able to snag you some free Laffy Taffys (from the Snack Shack). But it isn’t always easy to snag one. They often seem cold because they are up there in those chairs with their shades on, talking to no one. But you’ll be ahead of the game if you follow these rules.
Bring a well behaved child who makes you look good.
You might need to hold auditions. You don’t want a kid who is crying or vomiting on the deck or — oh my god — taking a dump in the shallow end. You want to bring a kid who first of all is adorable — so adorable that everyone runs up to this child just for a cheek grab and a few raspberry kisses. (For those of you unschooled in parenting, that means squeezing the face cheeks and blasting your lips against the child’s cute little belly.) The kid should be polite. A hell of a good swimmer — a little fish in the water! And most importantly, the child should bring out the best in you. He should make you look like a leader. A nurturer. But a cool one. Bribe him to say things like “Auntie Lauren, you’re the bees’ knees and I cherish our time together!” with candy (even if none of this is true).
Eat sexy snacks sexily.
Bring some grapes and eat them one by one, lick an ice cream cone, or demurely nosh on cotton candy. Popcorn is okay. Here are the snack shack snacks that you should eat with care: burgers, corn dogs (to keep things classy), and anything that turns your teeth/lips bright blue (Slushies) or orange (cheeze doodles).
Wearing headphones lets everyone know that you want to be in the sun at the pool, but you are a little too cool to completely immerse yourself in the family-friendly atmosphere. Especially if the pool is blasting Sugar Ray or something. Just remember to take the headphones out when the lifeguard is in ear shot, because you want to give them an opportunity to come over and talk to you.
Don’t be too ambitious about your swimming.
I have seen some really hot people lose about 20 hot points after watching them try to flop around in the water. I know it sounds snobby, but lifeguards can’t help it. Inherently, they are good swimmers, or they should be. They might be amazing swimmers. And they can’t help but cringe to see someone massacre the water in an attempt to do the butterfly. Stick to what you know. Doggy paddle, perhaps a few smooth breast strokes, or back floating. Sexy swan dives are cool, too BUT ONLY IN THE DIVING SECTION. Do not dive in shallow water. Despite popular opinion, giving someone CPR is not sexy at all.
Don’t break the rules.
I know you might think it’s cool to break the rules, that you want to seem like some family pool rebel without a cause, that the lifeguards probably are so chill and awesome that they don’t care if you flip off the side of the pool. (And you want to show off that you can flip off the side of the pool.) But the lifeguards do care about the rules. They probably care less about your safety and more about their jobs — they can get in trouble if they don’t yell at you. And they don’t generally like yelling at people. They don’t want to have to save you if something does happen, either. I have watched so many hot guys and thought, “You are so hot. But please don’t make me yell at you to stop going down the slide head first. Please don’t make me do it.” Also, the lifeguards would whoop your ass in a flipping-off-the-side-of-the-pool contest. That’s all they do once everyone leaves. So you likely won’t be impressing anyone.
If you talk remember that they can’t look at you.
It’s okay to talk to them, but according to the Lifeguard Bible, lifeguards aren’t allowed to look away from the pool. So they can’t wink at you or anything on the clock. You could use this to your advantage if you want to hit on them by saying, “I know that you’re watching the pool and you can’t look at me, but I can’t stop looking at you.”
Bring them a treat.
Along the lines of directly hitting on them, be their best friend and bring them a refreshing drink, a snack, more sun screen, ice cubes, a little fan you made out of magazine pages, sunglasses, ANYTHING. When I was a lifeguard, I liked to drink Dr. Pepper with no ice cubes. (Don’t judge.) One day someone asked the people in the Snack Shack what my drink was, and he brought me a Dr. Pepper, no ice. And now we are married! (Just kidding about the married part. But wouldn’t that be an AWESOME story?)
Consider your eye wear.
Do not wear goggles. You might think I’m kidding, but I used to be a pool rat, a hard core swimmer who required goggles for all of her active pool activities (full contact sharks and minnows, etc.) It was magical when I reached that day in the early stages of puberty, that I was not going to get any boyfriends with my goggles strapped to my face. Instead, wear sunglasses. Then you can look at the hot lifeguards all the live long day but they won’t really be able to tell. Plus, you’ll obviously look cooler. OH. And you’ll be totally safe against UV rays or something.
Suss out the competition.
Pay special attention to the other lifeguards. Lifeguards spend all of their time together practically naked, with nothing to do but look at each other (until emergency strikes.) The lifeguard suits come off at the late night pool parties. It’s a sexually-charged atmosphere, and they have most certainly hooked up with one another. Pay attention to how they interact. Usually they don’t date each other seriously, but you might be setting yourself up for some slick, tanned lifeguard jealousy if you hit on one of the more sought-after guards. If you are really intent on pursuing the person, though, by all means, go forth with gusto. Just bear in mind, you may have to put up your dukes.
Don’t worry about working hard to get them to know you like them.
Life guards are often kind of into themselves. They preen up there in those lifeguard chairs, with nothing to do but obsess over their tanning bodies. Those chairs are like thrones and they feel like the kings and queens of the land (and chlorinated pee water). They KNOW you want them because they want themselves. In fact, maybe you should just let them have themselves — each other, I mean. Leave them to date each other, and move on to more prosperous conquests, like the landscaper. Yeahhhh, the landscaper!