10 Things I Want To Eat Off Cristiano Ronaldo’s Absby Lauren Passell on July 19, 2012
Have you ever thought about eating food off of Cristiano Ronaldo’s abs? I have. I guess maybe the real question is what would you eat?
Christiano is, as my boyfriend actually explained to me (it’s okay, we both have crushes on him) is a triple threat — he is attractive (abs are perfect, not too crazy icky muscular but lusciously toned), one of the best soccer players in the world (he plays for Portugal), and is entertaining on the soccer field. Which leads me to believe he’d be entertaining elsewhere. WINK WINK.
I’m talking, of course, about underneath my cornucopia of food stuff.
Now here are the rules:
1a. Sushi is not an option. A little over-done, if you ask me.
1b. IF I am only allowed to eat sushi and sushi alone off Cristiano Ronaldo’s abs, I will. The following are my first 10 choices.
2. Cristiano Ronaldo will not be harmed in any way. Food will not be scalding or freezing, nor will it stain or maim him in any way.
3. Our safe word is “tippy toe! tippy toe!”
4. I have received word from my boyfriend that if Cristiano Ronaldo is to ask me to sleep with him, I should say yes.
Those are the rules. Here are the foods. Remember, I’m a vegetarian. And if you have a problem with that, I think you should make up your own list.
This would require a good deal of sloppy sucking and licking — kind of like finger painting with my tongue! I hope Mr. Ronaldo is not ticklish.
Remember, they would not be hot. But they would have Tobasco, lightly salted. Fluffy. We’d have to send them in from Ohio — my mom makes the best scrambled eggs.
A stirfry which I would eat with chopsticks
I would draw things (gently) on his stomach with the chopsticks, things like “Hey, gorgeous. Your body is a wonderland. A wonderland of my food stuff.”
Ice cream that is kind of melted
If it wasn’t melted, I would probably get a cold head ache. And melted ice cream is more sticky and fun. I don’t think you need too much more information about this.
I have been thinking about this for a few weeks, and have concluded that pineapple is the best fruit to eat off of Cristiano Ronaldo’s abs. It would make me feel like we were in Hawaii, or something. I’d want it to be fresh pineapple, obviously in rings. I would feed Cristiano Ronaldo little bites of the pineapple to sustain him.
Um, how fun would that be? It’s like a bag-o-fun on Cristiano Ronaldo’s abs. “There’s a black olive on his nipple! A jalepeno between the 7th and 8th ab pack! Follow the trail of hominy!”
I would want only the sour mix, my personal favorite. This would be fun because of the element of surprise. While I am sucking up jelly beans, I would wonder what flavor I would get.
There are supposed to be good for you, and an aphrodisiac (not that I need one.) I hope there are some tortilla chips left over from the nachos.
The perfect dessert to eat off of Christiano Ronaldo’s abs, no? So light and sweet and tasty!
I don’t have a game plan for this one yet, but I always want pizza, and you don’t get to eat food off Cristiano Ronaldo’s abs every day, so I’d better take advantage of this. The chances of this opportunity arriving again are slim to none.